KOn The Abridged Series: The Fanfiction
by Daemon McRae
Summary: Done as a request for some friends, it's a crackfic that centers around the girls prepping for another performance. One-shot, because I"M NOT DOING THIS CRAP AGAIN. I'M STICKING WITH HARUHI! T for Language.


Author's Note: Written through popular demand from Vokle, and for the benefit of Just5Guys. Note to Fullmetalchao: if this gets specialed, please feel free to edit any of the lines to fit the characters better. TAOHS is easier to spoof.

Chapter 1: The Request

Again, it was another typical day in the Light Music Club, as Mio, Mugi, and Ritsu, the first to arrive, took their seats at the desk setup in the far end of the clubroom.

"I'm telling you," Ritsu proclaimed loudly, "Haruhi would totally own Rukia! There's no chance a Soul Reaper could take on god!"

Mio looked agitated. "Look here, cracker, Rukia's a Death God. That's the LITERALL translation! And Haruhi doesn't even know about her powers!"

Mugi simply ignored the argument, having no idea what they were talking about, and set out a full supply of cakes and tea for everyone. "Um, I don't know who you are, but, like, could you not narrate everything? It's kinda, like, annoying? So, yeah." She stared up at the ceiling while… wait. Oh, sonofabitch! You can hear me, too? You're not even _the_ main character! And you guys have no powers!

"I don't really think that matters anymore. Besides, Fullmetal wouldn't let you do a Fanfic abridged without characters versus writer?" Mio asked, following Mugi's gaze.

…Stupid lolis. I'll show you. YUI! CAKE!

"MINE!" was all the other members heard, as Ritsu screamed slightly, and Mio and Mugi turned around to see the snacks and tea gone, while Yui lay passed out on the couch.

"See what you did?!" Ritsu yelled. "And I was going to eat that off of Mio's boobs!"

I know what I did, I did it.

As Ritsu opened her mouth for a retort, the door clicked open. Nadoka stepped in, looking relatively annoyed. "You losers forgot to fill out your forms for classes next year! How am I supposed to screw over your schedules to get Mio all to myself if you don't give me paperwork to forge?"

"WHat?" asked Yui, just now paying attention.

"I mean… um, turn in your paperwork!" SHe flustered, storming out. As she left, Sawako entered the room, and looked about innocently.

"SO, girls, what are you doing?"

"Um, like, arguing with god," Mugi answered, cleaning up the empty dishes.

At the word 'GOD', Sawako's head sunk into her shoulders, and she started to shudder. "DOn't you realize by now… I AM THE ONLY GOD YOU WILL EVER NEED!" She proclaimed, raising her head once again, and donning a pair of red sunglasses too big for her face.

"YES, MA'AM!" the four of them answered in stereo, bowing at her feet. Wow, they're more whipped than Kyon. That explains all the leather in the closet.

"And who do you think you are?! Talking to my slaves like I'm not here!"

You weren't here.

"SILENCE! Your GOD is talking!" She commanded, posing with her hands on her hips, and glaring furiously.

Nope, she's not here.

Sawako blinked. "What did you say?!"

My god's kind of in a different universe. So deal.

Choosing to ignore the voice from the ceiling for now, Sawako returned her attention to her subordinates. "Ok, you bitches! I'm going to make you practice like you've never practiced before! I've promised a friend of mine that you're going to perform at her birthday party, so you need to get to work!"

Mio turned her head up. "You mean you got us a live performance? Thanks teacher."

"I DID NOT SAY YOU COULD TALK! Now get practicing, I have to go drinking!" She exclaimed happily, storming out of the room.

The four band mates stood up again, and gave each other looks.

"Well you guys, as club president, I decree that I shall be your practice coach, and sit right here on the couch and make sure you don't suck!" Ritsu proclaimed, sitting in the small love seat in the middle of the room.

Mio punched her in the head. "No, you won't. We all need to practice if we're trying not to get killed this weekend. Remember the last 'friend' she made us play for? I still have the bruises." She shuddered slightly.

"Well, at least we have plenty of time to practice!" said Yui optimistically.

At that point, Sawako burst into the room once more, and proclaimed very quickly, "By the way, the performance is in an hour. Don't suck!" she disappeared back into the hall.

The group paused, then stared at each other, then stared at the door. "WHAT!" they shouted in unison.

(Cue the awesome intro with some random rock song, which even The Writer doesn't get to do, that's the editor's job.)

"Ok," Mio muttered, pulling out her bass guitar. "Somehow, during the intro, we were able to convince Sawako-sensei into letting us move back the performance for a week. Hey, Ritsu, how did you pull that off?"

Ritsu shrugged, typing on her computer. "I just bought her some random loli on e-bay. Had to camp the bid though, stupid LoliHunter69."

The screen panned over to the S.O.S. Brigade room, where Itsuki was slowly crying over his laptop. "No… al my dreams… destroyed. Ah well, time to go smoke up some new dreams. Oh, hey, random omniscient voice."

Hi Itsuki. Bye Itsuki.

"Bye, dude."

Panning back over to the Light Music Club, the band had already set up their equipment, and were ready to practice. 

"Like, we are?" Mugi asked, tuning her keyboard.

Yes, you are. And do you know why?

"Um, because you're the writer, and everything you type out happens, and we can't see you, and… and…"

I was just going to say, because you guys don't suck as badly as people who see you off-stage think you do, but that works. Good Yui, have some cake.

"MINE!" Yui leapt for the dessert that Mugi had left on the table, only to be dragged back by Mio.

"Not until we're done practicing."

Yui started to cry inside, but they proceeded to practice.

(One Epic Scene change later)

"I can't believe we spent the last three days in a row practicing. How did we not get kicked out of school?" Mio pondered.

"I think it's because Sawako-chan has blackmail on all of the other teachers," Yui pondered.

"So, like, where are we going?" Mugi asked.

Ritsu ran a few steps ahead, and turned around. "We're going to the music store that we purchased Yui's guitar from to find out whether or not there's such a thing as a musical exorcism."

"What?" a raspy voice emanated from Yui's guitar case. "Don't let them do it, you need me!"

_That guitar is so evil, _Mio thought to herself. _Wait, how did you know what I was thinking?_

Blame the voice actor that actually _says_ your thoughts.

_But we don't have any voice actors, this is all written._

Give it time.

At that point, they had already made their way into the shop, and Ritsu had started talking to the manager about the religion of Guitars.

"Oh, great. More customers. Like I don't have enough people telling me what to do," grumbled the clerk behind the counter.

Hey, Kyon.

"What? Oh, sonova- How did you get here? I had to buy a ticket through Ritsu's skirt to get away from that bitch! Now you're following me here, too?!"

Actually, I'm just the Writer for more than one universe. At least, temporarily. Hey, she's not… here, is she?

"No, the closest thing to her in this world is that oversexed lesbian with the crappy hair band."

As if on cue, Ritsu approached the counter.

"What do you want?" Kyon grumbled.

"Well, the guitar we bought from you is kind of possessed, and the manager's an athiest, so we want our money back," Ritsu explained.

"You got it. For FREE."

"Yeah, I think we got ripped off."

"How can you get ripped off?! You didn't pay anything!" It was clear that Kyon was getting- "DON'T. Don't do it. Just… just leave it alone."

"SO yeah, about our refund?" Ritsu asked.

Outside the store, a loud cry of anguish rang into the street, followed by a slightly quieter shout of "Hey, get out of my skirt! You have to buy a ticket!"

Back in the store, the girls had all congregated in a corner near the guitars, seeing if they could purchase a suitable replacement.

"I want this one!" Yui exclaimed, pointing out a model that, for some reason, was quite shinier than the others.

"SO, um, like, we can't afford that, cause, like, my dad, he's all, 'You can't', like, 'You can't have more free stuff from this store.' I think he's all, like, pissed off at me making my own, like, sex video? SO yeah," explained Mugi.

"How is that a bad thing? Your mom does it all the time," Ritsu pointed out.

"Apparently, like, they're getting royalty checks, and, like, mom doesn't want the competition, so like, it sucks."

"Well what are we going to do? If Yui plays another performance with that possessed guitar, we're going to have to turn her over to Minori," complained Mio.

The screen panned over to a red haired chick in a matching school uniform. "Hail Satan, Motherfucker! Oh, and hi, Writer!" …Goddammit.

Panning the screen BACK over to the people who pretend I'm not here, the scene jumps to Yui's house, where the group had gathered to practice after school, under Sawako's orders.

"Hey, Yui, where's your sister? I thought she was going to cook us something," Mio looked around the room, expecting Ui to appear out of nowhere.

"Well, after the Christmas special, we kind of broke up, cause my parents found out? So now she won't talk to me," Yui explained casually, fiddling with her guitar.

"Ok, do we know what songs we're going to play? How long is the performance, anyway?" Ritsu asked. She didn't seem to have any drive to practice.

"Um, I think we'll be fine if we just do a montage of small parts of other songs. I think it's convenient that Sawako-sensei booked us to perform in the school gymnasium," said Mio.

"How is that convenient?" asked Ritsu.

A-Hem!

"What?" the group asked in unison.

Could it possibly be that, this far in the series, you guys haven't performed ANYWHERE ELSE, and we don't have clips for any other stages?!

"Hey, why are you repeating everything we're doing, anyway?" Mio asked.

"Because he has nothing better to do than cave to the whims of a small gathering of random fan boys that he'll probably only ever talk to that one time? And because he's an attention whore?" PAWNCH! A bump appeared on Ritsu's head, and an inexplicable exertion of intense force smacked her like the little BITCH. she was being.

"I wouldn't like, argue with the guy writing our reality. He doesn't seem to like, like us," Mugi pointed out.

That's not true. I just don't like cheap Haruhi clones.

Mio just glanced around. "O…k. Let's get to practicing before he scene changes us to-"

The day of the performance later…

"Oh, goddammit!" Mio exclaimed. She looked around to see her and her group members in gothic Lolita clothing, which, (thanks to some awesome Writer-esque magic), Sawako sensei had 'convinced' them to wear for the concert.

Ritsu looked around at the other members, the curtain hadn't risen yet. "Ok, let's just get this crap over with, so we can end the chapter.

(Insert random montage of K-On soundtrack songs here)

After the performance, and back in the club room, Sawako-sensei approached them.

"Wait, how did we-" PAWNCH! Another bump appeared on Ritsu's head, before she could finish asking the STUPID! Question.

"Well, everyone," Sawako sensei addressed the group, her fake cheerfulness well in place. "My friend was greatly impressed with the show. So, I've decided to book you for another showing _next weekend!"_

_The girls all glanced off to the side, clearly upset. Wait, I'm off to the side. Oh-_

_Author's Note:_

_The Writer: -Shit. Wait, how'd I get to the author's note already?_

_Yuki: You installed a failsafe in your existence that allowed you to teleport to the end of the chapter in case of danger._

_The Writer: And how are you- you know what, never mind. I'm not doing this shit again. I'm sticking to The Abridging of Haruhi Suzumiya: The Fanfiction. K-On… is done._

_Yui: What about my cake?!_

_The Writer: It's up Ritsu's skirt._

_Ritsu: What, Yui?! What are you?! HEY! That's not cake! DAMMIT, WRITER!_

_Hee, hee, hee._


End file.
